My feelings about my girls’ age gap
Spoiler alert: I LOVE my the age gap between my kids! Whenever I talk about my girls, I ALWAYS get asked about their age difference. My oldest, Delaney, is 6 years old, my middle, Margot, is 3 years old and my youngest, Sage, is now 6 months old (how did that happen so fast?!). They are all almost exactly 3 years apart with Delaney’s birthday being in May 2016, Margot’s birthday quickly following in June 2019 and Sage’s is April 2022.
I often get asked:
- “Was their age gap planned?”
- “Was it hard having them so far apart?”
- “Do you wish they were closer in age?”
My short answer is always – Yes!
This was planned, I love their age gap and no, I do not wish they were closer in age. Before I continue, I also want to mention how grateful and lucky my husband and I feel that we were able to choose the timing of our children. I thankfully did not have any infertility but I realize this is often not the case and want to be sensitive to those who do not have the choice on timing as we did. There are so many people and friends of mine who struggle with infertility and simply are not able to time out when they get pregnant and the age gap of their children. That is something that cannot be controlled and I think society puts a lot of unnecessary pressure on us to have the “perfect” age gap between our children (if you choose to and are able to have more than one child). There is absolutely NO perfect age gap between kids. There are pros and cons to having children close together or more spaced out and sometimes you are not able to control that outcome, and it’s so dependent on the family and situation!
After having our first child, I didn’t even begin thinking about having another child until she turned 2. Actually, I may have thought about it before then but my only thought was “I can’t even imagine having another child right now”. I felt neither physically, emotionally, or mentally ready to bring another child into this world. Two weeks after our first daughter was born, my husband started a new career that required very demanding hours. He was actually offered the new position the same day we went into the hospital while I was in labor – lots of excitement that day! While this new career allowed us many great opportunities, he was rarely home for bedtime and oftentimes spent at least one day out of the weekend at the office. Our families both live out of state so having them close by to help was something we lacked. We heavily relied on our nanny at the time (Deema!!) to help out with our work schedules (I was still working 12 hour shifts at the hospital as a NICU nurse) and also to help give us some much needed date nights. I quickly realized how lonely motherhood could be and the thought of another child was not something I wanted to even begin imagining.
During this time, many of my friends also had their first children and some were even starting to get pregnant with their second. I was embarrassed that I couldn’t even fathom the thought of getting pregnant again. I felt nowhere near ready! I loved our daughter dearly but I certainly was not ready for another pregnancy or baby. It wasn’t until Delaney turned 2 that I was ready to start thinking about expanding our family. I can’t tell you exactly what helped me make that decision but I think it had something to do with her being a little bit more independent, finally getting some decent sleep, and feeling like I had really been able to enjoy and devote my time to her during the first 2 years of her life. I was also excited for her to have a sibling and see that relationship grow!
Delaney had just turned 3 by the time our second daughter, Margot, arrived. Three isn’t an easy age to begin with so I knew we would have some challenges with introducing a new baby, but I also knew how much more independent and helpful Delaney would be. Delaney was old enough to keep herself semi-entertained while I was busy feeding the baby or doing other things around the house. She also loved to help with the new baby – diaper changes, bath time, and singing or reading to her. It was a great way for her to bond with Margot and made her feel special! Delaney also started 3 year old preschool shortly after Margot was born, which I think made a huge difference in her adjustment to having a sibling. School gave her the opportunity and space to do her own thing, make new friends and get some energy out. It also allowed me to have some one-on-one time with Margot which felt really special and lessened my mom-guilt around focusing more attention on Delaney when she was home from school. Another thing to note is that Delaney was completely potty trained by the time Margot arrived which meant only one kiddo in diapers, that felt like a small win for us!
Fast forward a couple years and my husband and I ultimately decided we would like to try to have a third (and final) child. Sage was born in April of 2022, which kept us right on trend for the 3 year age gap. We now have a 6 year old, 3 year old and 6 month old and feel like their age gaps are just right for our family. The older 2 are both in school which is great for their independence and also allows me some quality time with Sage. Margot is potty trained so only 1 kid in diapers again, woo hoo! Margot and Delaney are also now sharing a room together which I was a little nervous about but they have transitioned really well and LOVE being together. That myth about your kids not being as close if they have a larger age gap? Nope, not for us, they fight like sisters but really are each other’s best friend. I love watching their relationship grow and can’t wait to see their relationship with Sage unfold as she gets older as well.
Another reason why I felt like a longer gap in between having babies was right for us was the ability for me to recover from my pregnancy/postpartum and allowed me time to feel like myself again. Being pregnant and having small children puts a lot of stress on your body both physically and mentally. Personally, I needed time to focus on myself and to feel like I had “control” of my body again before jumping into another pregnancy. Having time to heal both mentally and physically allowed me to embrace my pregnancies and also enjoy the current stages my other children were in at the time. I think most people would agree that there are definitely pros and cons of having your kids closer in age or farther apart if you’re fortunate to have control over that. There is absolutely no right or wrong answer and I think everyone’s situations and feelings are different on this topic. It comes down to such a personal choice. Ultimately, you will know when/if you’re ready to start expanding your family so don’t put too much pressure on yourself. Your family will be perfect just the way it is!
All photos taken by @jenny.grimm
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