I was impatiently waiting for that pregnancy test to turn positive after I started trying to conceive again after my miscarriage. And when it finally did, a flood of emotions took over me that I wasn’t prepared for. Keep reading below to see how my pregnancy after a loss has been more difficult for me than I ever imagined.
My pregnancy after loss story
I was impatiently waiting for that pregnancy test to turn positive after I started trying to conceive again after my miscarriage (read more about my miscarriage here). And when it finally did, a flood of emotions, that I wasn’t prepared for, took over me.
I felt immense feelings of relief, happiness and gratefulness, as well as feelings of fear and panic. Would I have another miscarriage? Was this pregnancy going to be successful? Do I tell my friends and family early on like I did before my last pregnancy ended in a miscarriage? Would the baby be OK? Am I happy? Am I sad? I can’t believe I have to go through another first trimester again when I just did a few short months ago. Will my husband be as happy as he was this last time? Should I not get excited yet since I don’t want to feel disappointment like last time?
Telling family + friends about my pregnancy
I decided to tell my friends and family early on because if I learned anything from my miscarriage; it was that I needed their support during such a difficult time. I shared the news with the people in my life who lifted me up a few months prior (why does society make women wait until after the first trimester to share this news with loved ones when they need this support the most if something goes wrong?).
I went to my first ultrasound appointment and when I heard the heartbeat, I felt relieved and even more terrified. Is this pregnancy going to last? I miscarried at 11 weeks last time and those next 3 weeks before my 11-week ultrasound (I asked to be scheduled for as early as I could) were the longest weeks of my life. I tried to keep busy with work and chasing my toddler around, but I felt extreme nausea in the later afternoons until bedtime, so it was hard to not keep wondering: Will there be a heartbeat at the next appointment? I got sick during my last pregnancy too, so that wasn’t reassurance for me.
Having a hard time connecting to this pregnancy
I tried to feel grateful for being pregnant and tried to stay optimistic, but I had a hard time connecting with this pregnancy. My husband would ask me how I was feeling every day and helped me in any way that he could, but we didn’t talk about the baby like we had in our last two pregnancies. I think he was trying to protect our feelings since the miscarriage hurt us both.
I stayed in denial thinking that this pregnancy wouldn’t last and kept wondering what was wrong with me. I turned to Deema and told her that I didn’t feel a connection with this pregnancy and even though I was taking my prenatals and doing what I was “supposed to be doing” I didn’t feel proud or confident that I was pregnant like I did in my last two pregnancies. Would I ever accept that I was pregnant and be happy? Deema reassured me that these feelings were normal and that as my pregnancy progressed I would feel more connected. She was right.
I began to feel more confident as time passed
I got to my 11-week ultrasound and as I saw the baby moving and heard the heartbeat, I knew I made it further than I did last time and started to feel more confident. I started to let my mind wander on whether it would be a boy or a girl, or which room the new baby would go in and how P would handle her big sister role.
We decided to have a small gender reveal with friends and family, which was another way that helped me feel connected to this pregnancy. It is fun to start planning for this baby to join our family. In the back of my mind I know that something could still go wrong, but I am starting to allow myself to be happy in the present and just take things day by day.
My journey continues
I decided to share my pregnancy announcement with Bumblebaby at the beginning of 13 weeks, which was a challenging decision for me and out of my comfort zone to share that early on social media. I wanted to be honest with all of you and allow you to be a part of this with me and knew that if anything goes wrong, I have my friends, family and of course Bumblebaby community to lean on. This was a big step in continuing to feel confident in this pregnancy.
As my pregnancy progresses, the feelings of doubt, fear and anxiety still consume me every day, but I’m trying to stay hopeful and think positively. I’m still trying to navigate my feelings during this journey and taking it day by day. I will never forget what happened a few months ago, but I keep reminding myself that this is a different pregnancy and I continue to be patient with myself as I feel so many different emotions every day.
If you’re going through something similar, I see you, and my best recommendation I have is to allow yourself to feel all the feelings. You’re not a bad parent for feeling disconnected with your pregnancy. It’s all part of the ride. We’re here for you at Bumblebaby. I’m here for you and you’re never alone.
Other helpful blog posts:
- Renée’s miscarriage story
- 5 ways to support someone experiencing a miscarriage
- A story on infertility
- A story about ectopic pregnancy
- Kate’s parents’ story on infertility and adoption
- A letter to the moms in waiting on Mother’s Day
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**This post is educational and not meant to take the place of your provider.